


you fit me better than my favorite sweater

by exhibit



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-17
Updated: 2014-03-17
Packaged: 2018-01-16 00:45:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1325392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/exhibit/pseuds/exhibit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>they're hitting the australian leg of the tour and harry can't handle it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you fit me better than my favorite sweater

they stood in their usual place backstage in adelaide, just minutes before they were to go on stage. except harry. harry hadn’t been seen since they got to wardrobe and louis was getting a bit antsy that he wouldn’t be there to start off their pre-show ritual; something they had yet to miss and then louis caught sight of paul, waving him over and louis quickly moved his legs.

“harry’s locked himself in his dressing room.”

and that was enough for louis to book it down the hallway and rapped his knuckles on the door.”h?” he called out and then he heard the lock clicking and he turned the knob, harry was huddled in the corner, his face buried in his hands and louis knelt down in front of him.”hey. what’s wrong?”

harry lolled his head back against the concrete wall, louis could see the red tear tracks lining his cheeks. his eyes were puffy and red and louis caressed his cheek.”can’t breathe. too many people.”

and louis stood, rifled through his bag until he found harry’s spare inhaler and pressed the nozzle to harry’s mouth, cradling harry’s head in his hand as he counted it off for harry and then harry inhaled right as he pressed down, releasing the medicine in a puff to harry. and after two more repeats, harry’s breathing was back to normal.”you alright?”

harry nodded, his hand clasping around louis’ wrist.”i just. i heard the screaming and it freaked me out a bit.” he shrugged as he met louis’ eyes.”that’s all.”

louis nodded before leaning forward and pressing his lips to harry’s forehead.”c’mon. showtime.”

*

louis’ eyes felt magnetized by harry, he was aware of every move harry made and every note sung just a decimal off key and just the way harry interacted with the boys and the crowd, louis knew his panic attack wasn’t all and the fact that harry lied about it, made him off kilter. stumbling over his lyrics and bumping into one of the other boys and just, he was so embarrassed about his own performance he was ready to get this show over with so he could drown himself in alcohol.

*

it would be taking just a little over a day to get to perth and louis liked to ride in his bunk, feeling the weeble wobbling of the bus as it moved and lightly shook him into a lull.

louis got up and rubbed at his face and he was going to spread out in the lounge, the cooling effect of the couch might make him a bit better but he stopped in his tracks when he saw zayn cuddled with zayn who was playing fifa on mute and he met louis’ eyes. scrambling to pull himself up without waking harry and pulling the lounge doors closed and navigated them both to the small kitchenette.

“he asked for a cuddle and you know no one can say no to that.” zayn shrugged like it was the most normal thing to do as he grabbed a beer from their mini fridge, twisting the cap and handing to the louis and grabbing his own.”but like, you know i love you both but he isn’t alright and you need to fix him.” zayn pulled louis into a hug, kissing the side of his face and louis nodded against him, closing his eyes and felt much calmer.

*

and sydney hadn’t changed harry’s demeanor and that just hit the mark for louis that this was more than coming back on tour jitters and up until brisbane, louis let harry’s excuses slide.

and the more he dwelled on it, it ate away at his insides until it was clawing at his throat.

*

they were in auckland for two shows and after the first, louis was buzzing and zayn and niall had roped him into going to a pub and why not, louis needed to fuel the adrenaline and so he went and the pub was the fun he hadn’t had for a while, having more than a few pints and laughing until his sides were in stitches.

and zayn had half carried him to their floor, dropping him off at his and harry’s room and louis let himself into the dark room, he could see a lump under the far bed by the cast of the moonlight and he shucked his clothes off and climbed in next to harry, nuzzling his nose into the back of harry’s neck and lightly rutting his hips against harry’s bum.”harry.” he whispered out, his hand curling around harry’s bicep. “I love you.”

harry made a noise and louis continued to nip gently at harry’s neck.”h.” he whined and harry reached over and swatted at louis’ leg.

“are you wasted?”

“so drunk. but i still love you.”

“go to sleep, lou."

“harry. c’mon. it’s been like two weeks. i really want you to fuck me.” louis ushered out against harry’s skin, his fingertips pushing underneath the hem of the tee shirt harry was sporting but harry scooted away and slapped louis’ hand away.

“go to sleep, louis."

louis sat up in a huff. ”do you not love me anymore?”

harry rolled onto his back and looked up at louis, shadow casting a glow around his cheekbones, making them sharper than ever.”because i won’t fuck you in the middle of the night? really.”

“you’re such a twat.” louis threw the sheets off of him as he clambered into the other bed.”you don’t talk to me anymore. i just. i need to know you love me.” he settled down into the bed, cold and smelling like bleach and then he heard it from harry.

“i love you so fucking much, lou.”

louis didn’t respond.

*

they were backstage in melbourne, louis had his feet propped up next to zayn’s playing fifa, harry sat on a loveseat catty corner from him probably making a list of dumb things to tweet or playing candy crush.

after zayn was two up, louis threw his controller to the side and nudged harry’s foot with his own.”are you hurting yourself again?” and louis wanted to take those words back and shove them down his throat and seal his mouth shut because the room became so silent he was sure the arena could hear his heart beating.

zayn made the first move and shut the game console off and stood up, grabbing liam and niall and leaving the two alone with a click of the door.

louis nudged harry’s foot again and harry shoved his foot away, knocking it off the table.”harry.”

“no."

“no, you’re not hurting yourself or no, you’re not gonna answer the fucking question?”

harry didn’t answer but instead pocketed his phone and stood up from the sofa and louis was quick to do the same, reaching out and grabbing harry’s elbow that harry promptly jerked out from louis’ grasp.

“just. whatever it is. i can’t help you if you don’t let me in so will you please stop shutting me out? jesus, harry. i’m still here.”

and then it happened so fast that louis wasn’t sure how it happened, he reached out and grabbed harry’s arm and then harry swung around and shoved louis so hard he tumbled over and the look on harry’s face was pure astonishment and that’s when it all went wrong. louis knocked harry over at the waist with his shoulder, the two toppled over in a heap of arms and legs, swears were tossed around. louis straddled harry’s waist, grabbing for his flailing arms and with a grunt, harry bucked his hips, sending louis over to the side onto the floor with a thud.

the door opened and the other three stood there with complete shock plastered on their faces as they watched. harry stood up, pushing his curly hair back as he began to walk past the others when louis tackled him to the ground from behind, knocking the wind from both of them and harry struggled underneath louis and his elbow clipped louis in the nose and louis rolled off of him as he grabbed at his face.

harry was the first to get up, out of breath and red faced as he hovered over louis, worry etched onto his face.”are you alright? i didn’t.” he shook his head and louis waved him off as he lied on the concrete floor.

niall tugged at harry’s sleeve.”c’mon, let’s go get a drink.” and harry walked with niall, glancing over his shoulder, seeing zayn and liam with louis, helping him to his feet and the blood dripping from his nose onto the floor.

*

by the time they got to brisbane, the incident was no longer talked about, harry hadn’t apologized and neither had louis but they both just knew it went too far and things had been more tense than before because louis didn’t know what to say to harry anymore without feeling like he was just pushing harry.

they got into position for their ritual, harry starting them off as usual and louis could feel deep in his bones this was gonna be a good show. and then they were put into position for the intro and the screams were so loud, it pumped him up even more and the beginning notes of up all night played.

and half way through the show, louis could say everything seemed to be spot on, a few lyric changes and their usual banter but then one glance to harry and louis could see they weren’t having the same show experience and then harry missed his mark for his lyrics and before louis could say anything, harry was rushing off the stage and louis wasn’t far behind as liam took over for harry.

louis caught harry hunched over and emptying his stomach into a bucket on the side, he crouched down and rubbed harry’s back.”you alright, haz?” he pushed harry’s hair back and harry wiped the back of his mouth with a nod.

“i can’t. i can’t do this anymore. take me home, lou.”

and louis chewed on his bottom lip at harry’s pleading voice and nodded.”yeah, ok. we’ll go back home.”

harry got cleaned up, the two walked back on stage just in time for the next song and the rest of the show went surprisingly well and then they were taking their bows.

*

before louis could get on the bus, he was being hauled away by paul with a sigh.”you know you can’t be playing the role of harry’s boyfriend on stage. twitter is blowing up and modest is gonna have your arse.”

louis put his hands on his hips as he had heard this argument to last him a lifetime and he shrugged.”i can handle it.”

paul patted louis’ shoulder.”i sure hope. your boy needs ya”

and then paul left him to take care of crowd control and he caught harry’s eye and harry wandered to him.”are we in trouble?”

louis leaned up and pressed his mouth to harry’s with a smile.”doesn’t matter. the entire world will know by morning who i belong to and then you and i will be on plane back to london.”

a grin spread across harry’s face and they climbed onto the bus.

*

it wouldn’t take much to come out as every media source had the video of louis chasing harry offstage, zoomed in enough to see him being so gentle with harry and you didn’t need words to describe their body language with each other to know it was more than what everyone was lead to believe.

he quickly pulled up twitter and sent out a simple tweet.

_louis_tomlinson: three years. threes years spent with @harry_styles and now you all know. big up to all the fans! couldn’t have done it with your support_

and he turned his phone off, not needing the explosion it was sure to cause as he turned over and let the bus lull him to a deep sleep.

*

louis was jarred awake. he fumbled around for his phone but couldn’t find it anywhere within his sheets.

“it’s just me.” harry said as he climbed in next to louis, louis rubbed at his eyes, letting them adjust to the darkness and he could slightly make out harry’s features and he felt a smooth span of skin.

“no shirt?” he asked around a yawn and harry shook his head against the pillow. harry grabbed at louis’ wrist.

“just don’t. just don’t like hate me.” he whispered against louis’ shoulder as he guided louis’ hand to his waist and louis didn’t need a light to feel the roadmap of cuts and scars spanning harry’s hips and across his flat belly.”they’re so ugly and i’m so fucking sorry. i’m weak and i never want you to see them in the light.”

louis ran his hand up harry’s side, he could feel the raised, rippled skin but his thumb dipped down and touched the wing tip of the sparrow.”you have and will always be the most goddamn beautiful person i’ve ever seen. scars or no scars.” louis pressed a kiss to just underneath harry’s jaw.”i’m yours. a few scars isn’t gonna change that, haz. just let me in.”

harry sagged forward a bit and buried his face into the crook of louis’ neck.”yeah. ok.” he huffed out a breath of air.”i’m so sorry.”

“c’mon. let’s get some sleep.”

*

as soon as their bus got to their hotel in sydney, louis was already buying two flights out, he and harry would be in the air before management got wind of it. louis turned to liam, chewing on his bottom lip.”you’re sure you’re ok with this?”

liam hugged louis, patting him on the back.”we’ve got it. you just get harry out of here.” and though louis hated leaving the others to clean up their mess, he was so proud to have these boys as his brothers.

“i love you liam payne.”

and liam laughed brightly.”i’ll cherish those words.”

*

when louis and harry arrived at the sydney airport, thankfully there weren’t too many paps around and not a fan in sight but flashes went off and louis held on tightly to harry’s hand and they both kept quiet when asked about their relationship.

and now they were up in the air, louis settled back into his seat with harry snoozing on his shoulder, he pulled out his phone and saw the tweet and knew liam had done his part.

_onedirection: we would like to take a moment to say thanks to all the aussie fans who bought tickets to the shows :) but with deep regret we must inform you that the tour has been cut short due to personal reasons. we hope to see you guys next year!!!_

and that was a bit of a relief lifted from louis’ shoulders and he knew he was gonna be in deep shit when they arrived in london but really, it was all worth it to have the boy next to him in a better state of mind and he would take the fall for him any day.

**Author's Note:**

> if you've made it this far, thank you! kudos and comments are welcomed!


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